Sailor and Pirate Jokes
Here be a fine collection of
sailor and pirate jokes collected for your amusement by Pirate
Steve. If you have knowledge of any good sailor or pirate jokes,
for goodness sakes eMail them to me so I can include them here!
Enjoy the web's finest collection of sailor and pirate jokes
complements of Pirate Steve...
What's a pirate's favorite subject in
school? Arrrrithmetic!
Two shipwrecked sailors met in the open
ocean. Each clinging to his own log.
"Ahoy," exclaimed the first, "Your ship has sunk?"
"Yes, a year ago."
"You don't say so? And you've been at the sea all this time?"
"Aye, and what about it?"
"How could you endure it for so long?"
"Wondering myself. It was so boring, on Sundays in particular...
."
It was a dark, stormy, night. The
Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A
Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young
Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out
," Good Evening, Sir!"
The Captain, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said
"Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice
night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so
the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".
The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and
responded " Yes Sir!"
Then the Captain, pointing at the dog said, "This is a Golden
Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at
the dog, saluted yet again and said " Yes Sir!" The Captain
continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said,
"Good trade Sir!"
How much did the pirate pay for his
peg-leg and hook? An arm and a leg...
A pirate and his parrot were adrift in
a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth. This
particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the
matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum
on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their
circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and
after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Just great. Now we're going
to have to pee in the boat."
So there's this Pirate with a parrot.
And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can
swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble
is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this
bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too
much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really
hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he
swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and
locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he
claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the
bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a
veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws
the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a
terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it
suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then
he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of
minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and
says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best
to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the
chicken do?"
A naval officer fell overboard and was
rescued by a deckhand. The officer asked the sailor how he could
reward him. "The best way, sir," replied the bluejacket, "is to say
nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out,
they'd throw me in."
A sailor and a marine are urinating at
a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands -
the sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him, "Hey,
in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a
piss." The sailor says, "Yeah, well, in the navy they teach us to
not piss on our hands!"
A man is skydiving off the coast of
Florida, enjoying his free-fall. When he reaches the altitude where
he must open his parachute, he pulls on the rip cord but nothing
happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my
emergency chute." So he pulls the emergency parachute, and once
again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I
going to do?" he thinks, "It's curtains for me!" Just then he sees
a sailor flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out
where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to
himself, "Maybe he can help me." When the man gets close enough to
him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know
anything about parachutes?" The flying sailor replies, "No! Do you
know anything about gas stoves?"
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "I came upon a
gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the
head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring
and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or
you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The man replies,
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."
The officer saw a sailor weaving down
the sidewalk and followed him. Every time he came to a lamp post,
the drunk who was obviously 'three sheets in the wind' (as the old
naval phrase goes), staggered slowly around it in the street and
then back to the sidewalk.
"You better come with me, bud," said the officer, tapping him on
the shoulder. "You're not fit to navigate."
"I'm awright," said the gob, "I'm steering the ship right on the
course. It's those posts. They come whizzing by. But I always throw
the ship out of the way, don't I?"
A recreational boater, a tugboat
crewman, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and each ordered a
beer. Each found a fly in their beer.
The recreational boater looked in his beer and said, "hey bartender
I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."
The tugboat crewman looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in
an picked it out and continued drinking.
The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by
the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit
it out!"
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port,
and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a
chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up
the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way
into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for
maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright
blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged
the ship into darkness.
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with
their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the
blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its
long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short
legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says,
"Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short
for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'sun. Call
the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."
A rather old minesweeper was cruising a
lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new
Australian cruiser. All the US sailors admired the new ship and the
Captain sent a blinker-light message to the Aussies: "You are
beautiful."
Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: "I'll
bet you say that to all the ships."
Long ago,
when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in
danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two
pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear,
but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew
repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties
occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the
Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before
the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a
captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to
fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As
dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for
his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me
my brown pants!"
A
newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South
Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really
starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for
a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re
constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The
temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind
off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t
you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to
his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so
that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how
well you play that harmonica."
One morning the pirate noticed
something floating towards the deserted island that had become his
home since the ship sank six months ago.
As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel.
He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was
a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and
suggestively walked toward the pirate. She whispered into his ear,
" I have something you want!"
The pirate broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling,
"Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"
A
sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first
shot missed and said, "#@$!, I missed." Surprised, the priest
replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or God will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed
and under his breath the said, "I #@$!’n missed again." The priest
overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or
God will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again
he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh #@$!…" The priest said, "That’s it God
will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down
and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "#@$!, I
Missed".
A
sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the
morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to
explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this
broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's
the brig for you," the chief said.
The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle
and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't
budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But
the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and
over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the
bird was back.
When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been
doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!"
"Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and
couldn't sweep a link."
For my Geek friends:
What does a pirate use to back up the files on his Linux
server?
TAAAAARRRR.
What does his parrot say? "Awk!"
(And one for Mike...) A young sailor, fresh out of boot camp, was
on his first tour at sea. The first night out he dropped his soap
in the shower. His Chief was in the shower too and told him to pick
up the soap. The squid said, "Oh no you don't, Chief. My Dad was in
the Navy and he warned me about picking up soap in the shower." The
Chief said, "Sailor, I told you to pick up the soap!" The squid
still refused. The Chief said, "If you don't pick up the soap, I'm
going to put you on wheel polishing detail for a week." The squid
asked, "Polishing what wheels?" The Chief said, "The wheels on this
ship." The squid said, "I didn't see any wheels on this ship." The
Chief said, "Well they're right out side that porthole." The squid
stuck his head out the port hole, looked around and said, "I still
don't see any wheEEEEELS!!!"
Pirate Jokes and Sailor Jokes are increasing difficult to come by.
I have scoured my sources to find these sailor and pirate jokes but
I need your help to add more. Certainly you have heard one sailor
joke or one pirate joke, or even - in a pinch - one parrot or
monkey joke that you could share? Just use the handy eMail link at
the top of the page to send me your pirate joke, your sailor joke,
your parrot joke or monkey joke today!